Whistling Past the Graveyard: The Murderous Transit Driver and the Fed-up B whose Heart Almost Exploded

I don't even know where to bgin at this point.
I have not updated in so many years, that it seems pointless to really look back to see where I left off with writing, since I have definitely been fighting my hardest to move forward and, well, survive.
So some bullet points:
* I am still the effing "sick girl" to most, and probably more than half the time, to me as well, but I am working not to be, to the best of my (and my clinicians) abilities. 

* I was being constantly abused in many senses of the word, for 6 straight years, at my previous residence (aside from the other abuse that I have been dealing witth for decades and continue to try to power through and overcome) and wound up losing that place of residence in January 2019 and becoming homeless til jut a month ago (September 2019) Thanks to some wonderful friends, old and new, I didn't have to spend any time on the street, which would have literally killed me in my current state of physical being. I am grateful for that, though it was, of course, still quite difficult and humiliating AF, as they say.

* I am currently in a new place, which, while not ADA accessible, which I sadly kind of need right now... is a roof. It has carpets, which SUCKS for my allergies, and virtually no kitchen, and I have not got the strength no space to unpack, but I am doing my best.. very slowly.

* I HAVE MY KITTIES BACK. They were fostered by some very wonderful friends of mine for the entire 8 months, and cared for very well. These friends still help out, as my boy cat has been diagnosed with severe hyperthyroidism and kidney disease (apparently we are birthday AND kidney twins, with opposite thyroid issues...my poor baby..) and they have been providng his meds and special food. I am grateful. He is also 100% deaf, which is very difficult- probably on both of us- but I still talk to BOTH kitties.

* I have been using transportation services provided by the Medicaid company in my state, for a couple of years now, to get to and from medical appointments, and it has been less than perfect, to put it mildly. Medicaid hires Company A to do the bookings of these trips and handle "Quality Assurance" (No Quality, No assurance of anything except that you will get screwed over, and if you are assaulted by a driver or another passenger, you just have to SMILE AND TAKE IT LIKE THE WORTHLESS PIECE OF DISABLED SH*T THAT YOU ARE [their words] and maybe you will make it to your appointment and/or back home) Company A outsources all trips to any number of Company Bs who actually (sometimes) provide the transportation to and from appointments. They are occasionally on time, and infrequently cordial. I have been physically and verbally abused on COUNTLESS occasions, and I have reported to Company A and Medicaid, and they have BOTH told me that it was the other one's fault, and also that there is "nobody above them" that I can speak to about these problems.

* About a year ago, I was leaving my psychiatrist's office, and my ride was late. I called to get an ETA, and was treated like crap- and then it happened- without going into details, as I am still in the bullet points section here, I was physically assaulted and verbally assaulted by the driver who was definitely setting me up to get assaulted in other ways and very upset that I would not get into the vehicle of horror, so he swung at me, and took off like a bat out of hell. It took 10 calls and the threat of legal action to get Company A to agree to take that Company B off of my roster (remember, there are hundreds of ratating Company Bs) and they didn't actually do it.

* Yesterday, 10/22/19, sh*t got BAD. REALLY BAD, and this is where our bullet points pretty much end, and I tell you the story of yesterday. Remember, or realize, if you are a new reader, that  throughout this blog experience, I have never used an actual company name, clinician, nor hospital/venue name. I may not have even mentioned  my state, although that may well be obvious. If you are from the press- first of all, a sarcastic "eff you" to your people as a blanket, because I have TRIED to get you to listen, and you have FAILED....but if you are one who actually cares, by all means, contact me for more info because I want these people to stop hurting people, NOW. 

I was to go to a pain clinic for trigger point injections, and my pickup was confirmed for 8am. I was outside before 8, and at 8, nobody was there, so I called Company B to get an ETA. They were rude and said "They on way" and I said "okay that is great, but they are supposed to be here already, can you just give me an estimate of how long it will be?" they said "They on way for 8:30" I said "but I have an 8 o'clock pick up confirmed last night and you said they are on the way, so where are they on their way from, will they be here before 8:30? its cold out and there is nowhere to sit out here, but I will wait if they will be here kind of soon..." Dude hung up.
I called Company A and was on hold for several minute to get through to QA dept. I explained that I was told 8, they were told 8:30, was wondering what was going on and explained what had just happened with Company B dispatch. They immediately went to blaming me for crossed wires, instead of just telling me when the damn transit would be there, but then finally said that dispatch told them "no later than 8:30" fine.
8:30 rolls around and there is nobody there. I call Company B, they don't answer, so I call Company A and am on hold for QA starting at 8:32am. At 8:47am, car pulls up- a blue sedan with driver and 2 passengers on passenger side. Stops in middle of street, (big, main, busy street during rush hour, and there are not supposed to be any other passengers with me, but it happens a LOT as of late, and I am sorry, but usually I don't mind, but when I have important appointments and these jerks don't care about us as patients- we are all just numbers and dollar bill signs- and I spend 2+ hours in a car to get made late for an appointment, or getting home from one, with no way to get food, water, bathroom etc...its not okay for someone like me, and from the smell of it, very often not for some other folks...which makes it unsanitary and putsme, an immunocompromised person, at great risk in many ways - and it just isn't fair.
ANYWAY- when I see this, at 17-47 minutes late, depending on who you ask, and its demanded of me to put my safety at risk by getting in in the middle of said high-traffic situation, which is already dicey because driver has both driver side doors wide open, I said "Are you fuxking kidding me with this? Have somebody move to that side, please" he kept pointing to me and to door. I said "No, seriosuly. That's not safe. This person inside the car can move over, or the able  bodied person in front can come around" He refused. I hobbled over and told him that he needed to move his seat forward because I could not fit safely into the vehicle like that, if at all. He said "No. Get in now" I said " I can't fit there, you need to move your seat forward" (this was a thin and not tall man, he did not NEED his seat all the way back and in a "gangsta lean" position for any reason)
Finally, I tried to slowly get my right leg and my cane into the vehicle. I was stuck, and my left leg was still outside of the vehicle, and on the ground, and I said to him "look, I really can't fit. Please move your seat up, it doesn't even have to be that far, like 2 or 3 inches maybe" he said no, and he SLAMMED THE DOOR ONTO MY LEFT LEG  SO HARD THAT IT RICOCHETED BACK ONTO HIM. I screamed in pain and said "Are you fuxking crazy, you fuxking piece of sh*t, what the hell is wrong with you?!" and he said "Get out of the car so I can fix it" I said " The only thing wrong with the car is that you are not in it, moving your seat up and fuxking driving because my appointment is in 10 minutes several towns away!" He repeated several times abojt getting out to fix the car (which was clearly "get out so I can run you over and leave") so I wedged myself in and said "Look, you psychopath, ou just slammed my fuxking leg in the door on purpose so now I CAN'T get out of the car, so you need to FUXKING DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT THE FUXK NOW" and he tried again with "Get out so I can fix car" I put my seatbelt on, and this made it so that I was legit trapped  because of my cane being wedged into my seatbelt and chest and I said "I am belted in and have to get to my appointment and I have Company A on the line and as soon as they answer, they wull have your plate number and call the police, so I suggest you start fuxking driving. Whats your move?" He got in, slammed the door, moved his seat the REST of the way back so it dented my left leg, and continually plowed his arse into the back of said seat throughout the ride so that the bar would hit me and my cane would impale my chest and stomach.
Company A finally picked up and I said "Get me the plate number of this vehicle and call the polie NOW I have been assaulted by the driver and he is bullying the other 2 passengers to say that I am a violent person even though I am literally pinned down and can not move and have no violent tendencies whatsoever. Call the police. now!" Driver swerved right from the left, cutting someone off and almost getting us in a crash to pull over and speak to his dispatcher, but then he started riving again, still on phone, not hands free. Then he kept talking to the guy in the front seat, while looking only at him and then pointing at me, while turning backward, again, while driving, and talking on the phone. I gave the play by play to the QA person at Company A, who clearly wasn't going to call the pollice. She was vey nice, but it was basically "Yeah, we filed the complaint" which means JACK FUXKING SH*T and that I could have this arsehole show up with a gun and kill me, because they didn't do anything but laugh at what a funny thing he did by laughing at me and hurting me and trying to murder me....oh, did I not get to that part yet? keep reading...
So finally we get to the hospital at which I am to have my TPIs, and he stops the car. I am still pinned, but I am doing my best to unpin myself. I get my phone ready, and I open the door and call the valet guy. "Hey, valet dude, can you come here please?" he looks at me funny. "Yes, I know I am in the back, but I need some help, can you please help me, it'll just take a second!" Guy comes over and I slowly see if I can get out safely, and hit record. I explain that I have been told by Company A to take a pic of the driver, car and plate number because he has just assaulted me, and please stay with me so I can do this. He nods. Now, had I not been traumatised to begin with, I NEVER would have gone toward the front of the car to begin with, but yeah, TRAUMA, so that is exactly what I did, and this is where attempted vehicular manslaughter comes into play, because this motherfuxker slammed on the gas and tried to run me down. Valet dude pulled me out of the way and got the plate number for me.
I did wind up with a pic of the driver and the BACK plate, as he hauled arse, but yeah.
I went into the lobby and for a moment,, I was just grateful that I made it, to be alive and on my stupid, not greatly functional legs again. I decided to get a coffee, since I hadn't slept at all, and all of a sudden I just LOST IT in line. I couldn't stop crying. The employees and the manager at that cafe are ALWAYS super nice anyway, but this time, they just let me cry and explain what happened and the manager gave me coffee and a muffin on him and had info booth call security to make sure the most recent stuff got reported, and told me if I wanted lunch or something after my appointment, to just come find him and I could have whatever I wanted. Unnecessary,  but super kind.
Security had me show them approximately where I was when it happened, and I gave them the plate number and also the phone number for Companies A & B. They said they were going to pull surveillance tapes and get back to me, but I have not heard anything yet.
I went for my TPI appointment, still a bumbling mess, and they were debating whether I should go to ER or not, but decided that I did all of the right things already, so I just got my TPI and then I was picked up by someone completely unrelated to these insurance fuxknuggets.
I took a Lyft to go pick up my sick kitty's medicine, and while there, was feeling quite wobbly, even with my cane. I hadn't eaten, even that muffin from earlier, so I went to this little market next door to the apothocary to order a sandwich and a pickle before calling a Lyft back home, and when said Lyft was about 4 blocks from home, I started feeling very nauseated. (I should probably mention that since 8:45ish am, my chest never went back to feeling "normal" and it still has not)
I made it up my stairs, nearly falling at least 3 times, despite using my cane and the handrail, and when I got in, I dropped everything and ran to the bathroom and vomited. A lot. I don't know quite what, as I hadn't really eaten much in days, but yeah... mmm...biley... UGH.
I was drenched in freezing sweat. myheart was racing. I could barely even STAND without my cane, and usually I can walk around in my own home without my cane because its even terrain. I still can't do that right now. Also, I was having extreme and bizzare pains on my RIGHT side, which seemed odd to me, since the attack was on my left. I still have these pains now.
i fed my babies and gave my boy his meds, and I called 911. I had called one of my clinicians prior to this to see if there was any way to call in an "expect" but was unable to reach them- it was worth a shot. I told the EMTs that I needed to go to My Hospital because a) they have all of my info including info about the assault that had just happened, and b) I have had trouble with hospitals in my town and did not feel safe going to them. They agreed and then forced me to go to another hospital who has a DOCUMENTED HISTORY OF PUTTING OTHER PEOPLES INFO IN MY CHART so this was a bad start to begin with.
The EMT pointed out that I was describing signs of heart attack in women. This did not help me calm down. Now I know you may be thinking that this is why they brught me to a different hospitl- but you would be wrong, as the EMT didn't mention this til we GOT there and they did NOTHING to rule it out. My BP was 229/122 on arrival. My oxygen was 94, and that was only when I took a big gasp for air- they made sure to rip the thing off of me so it wouldn't go back to registering in the 80s.
They did not listen to me with a stethescope. They did not look at my eyes or ears. The did not LOOK at my legs. AT ALL. They said "squeeze my fingers real tight" (I couldn't) and they left. I started projectile vomiting again and nobody came to help. I yelped for help and after at LEAST 5 minutes or straight vomiting bile and weird white stuff, and losing control of bodily functions I wasn't even sure of which functions I had lost yet, but I was humiliated and scared... they said "what do you want?" SERIOUSLY?!!? I said, through the vomit bag I only had because of the ambulance, "Oh geez, I don't know, maybe a little help? I little dignity? maybe something to wipe my face? maybe something to wipe my arse?! I don't know what the hell is happening to me but I am fuxking scared out of my mind and my chest hurts and my legs hurt and I am scared and i don't know why this is happening or why you won't help me!" They said they would help me, but what they did was move me into the hallway so I had no privacy when they talked really loudly about finding me new pants and wouldn't let me get to the bathroom or bring me another puke bag or tissues or a blanket. 
When I finally got to go to the bathroom, I discovered that what I lost was urine and blood which wasn't what I had feared, but definitely not expected because I hadn't started my period yet, so pulling my pants down to see lots of blood was.... not something that helped my chest feel better... especially since I have several painful lumps in the left one very suddenly, which I also mentioned to the docs. Did I mention that they did not do any sort of physical exam whatsoever? not even a visual one? to rule out heart attack?
My fuxking discharge shet says that I came in with "general pain and discomfort" and that I am non-complaint with my medication. This is 100% inaccurate.
I told them that I am on the insulin pump and that I had it on all the time. I told them that I hadn't taken any of my usual pills that morning due to having an early appointment and I was going to take them when I got home, but then the assault happened, and then the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF VOMITING happened, so yeah, I missed a day, This is not non-compliance. This is missing a fuxking dose. Also, they REPEATEDLY reprimanded me for not taking my Ativan. This was Tuesday, I was prescribed Ativan as a very occasional PRN on MONDAY and since it got sent to the non-24 hour pharmacy, I had been unable to pick it up. It was actually on my list of errands for Tuesday, BUT THEN I WAS THE VICTIM OF ASSAULT AND ATTEMPTED MANSLAUGHTER, SO FUXKING SORRY, ER DOC!! Yeesh!! 
ANY of my regular clinicians will tell you that I am SUPER complaint with my meds, I am very confident in that. Sure, I have missed a dose here and there of one thing or another. I take about 22 pills in the morning, and some of them I have to take 2 or 3 times a day. I am only human, but I am very, very far from non-compliant. As for the Ativan, you could sooner say "not yet started" than "non-compliant" 
My pain was not, and IS NOT "generalized". I am having very severe and specific pains. I am not stable on my feet.  I have fainted in my home since returning, and I live alone.
My heart feels like it is about to pop out of my chest right now, at  1:31am on the 24th of October, 2019. I have been writing this for several hours because I feel it is important to get it documented so that I can send it to people and not have to repeat myself over and over again. Having to rehash this about 18 times in the past 30ish hours has not helped the heart rate nor the breathing nor the pain, and my throat is KILLING me from all of it. 
They blamed my diabetes. My bloodsugars were FUXKING BEAUTIFUL during this BS, via their meter and my CGM... so fuxk them.
They blamed my fibromyagia because of my "non-compliance" (see again: missing one dose on one day, of drugs that I am pretty sure all do that "build up in your system" thing and missing 1 dose PERIOD would not wind me up in the hospital trying to rule out a GD heart attack.
I DID file a report with the Police Department of the town I live in when I got home from the hospital I had the TPIs at,  and the folks who run my building came over today to see if the security cameras reach out far enough to have possibly caught what happened, but they do not reach past the sidewalk, unfortunately. It was worth a shot, and I appreciate their quick response.
I know that I spoke to my nurse at my PCP's office on Wednesday, and I think I made sure I told her that the info on the discharge papers were false, but I honestly don't know, as I fainted shortly after I spoke to her. I am having major issues with My Hospital's Method of Web Contact, which is why I am writing all of this out here, so that I can just send a dang link if I ever get through. Its not the doctors' faults that the user interface is having issues.
But then again, if anyone out there in the interwebs universe sees this and knows what I am talking about, and wants to team up with me to MAKE IT STOP AND HAVE THESE COMPAMIES PROPERLY VETTED AND TREAT US LIKE HUMAN BEINGS WHO MATTER, instead of the monsters and worthless sacks of shite that they call us to our faces and behind our backs, by all means, reach out and let me know. This. Ends. Now.  MURDER IS NEVER OKAY.  /rant

More results to try to twinkle through...

As mentioned in my post yesterday, I have had a great deal of tests done on me in very recent history.
After my full Pulmonary Function Test, I was sent for a CT scan of my chest. It shows that I have a small hiatal hernia, and a T5 vertebral body hemangioma. I am not exactly sure what this even means.

I had an x-ray of my cervical spine, which shows mild thickening of the wall of the right maxillary sinus. Suggests chronic sinusitis- but I just had this surgically removed, so I don't know what the heck is going on with that now...
There is a small rounded calcific density in the soft tissue of the submandibular region, probably in the left submandibular gland- so I have to ask if that means my salivary gland stones are back...

MRI of the lumbar spine shows slight straightening of the lumbar lordosis. That statement seems a bit backwards, so I am a bit confused by it.

x-rays of the right shoulder: normal glenohumeral cartilage space with a vacuum phenomenon. Slight hypertropic change from the undersurface of the acromion. 2 rounded calcifications over the subcutaneous soft tissue of  the upper left arm "calcifications suggest prior injection granulomas" but I never had an injection in my shoulder at the time of the x-ray.

MRI of the C-spine:
C2-C3- minimal posterior disc osteophyte complex
C4-C5- mild posterior disc osteophyte complex, mild central stenosis, minimal bilateral neural foraminal stenosis
C5-C6-  mild posterior disc osteophyte complex, mild central stenosis, minimal bilateral neural foraminal stenosis
C6-C7- mild posterior disc osteophyte complex, minimal left neural foraminal stenosis

Prominent posterior epidural fat in the visualized upper thoracic spine. This mildly narrows the cal sac space.
Several levels of mild central spinal stenosis and minimal foraminal stenosis, on top of cervical spine degeneration.

Basic Meta is decent though....

Carotid Duplex- No evidence of hemodynamically significant disease in the left or right carotid artery.

The sleep neurologist said that my study showed that I am a very difficult case. They tried me on CPAP and BiPAP during my study and I had SOME minor improvement with them, but sometimes my breathing got even WORSE on the BiPAP. He wrote a prescription for a special machine that is something of a combination of things, and now I have to wait on insurance approval, then for them to tell me a company to supply me, etc. Then we shall see if it works. I am very nervous, but I hope that it will work.

I am STILL without my CGM (continuous glucose monitoring) device, thanks to the supplier being super flaky, and the same company is making it so that I am almost out of supplies for my insulin pump as well. This is a very scary prospect. Several calls and e-mails have been made by many people, and no progress as of yet. It has been about a month now. It is nerve-wracking.

Had another small test today. Tomorrow I start back up with vestibular PT.

The stars can't shine without some darkness, right?

Maybe that is why I have always been drawn to the night sky, even though I am scared of the dark- that little glimmer...who knows?

It has been a very tough couple of years, medically speaking. I had sinus surgery in March, which I think I wrote about. The healing process was very slow and painful, and I am honestly not sure if it is over with or not at this point, as I am still having issues. I am doing my best to stay on top of things though.

After all of that, I had an MRI of my brain, with contrast. (This was in May) it shows a few tiny foci of increased T2 signal in the cerebral white matter, and a small retention cyst in the left maxillary sinus, and the bony coating over the left superior semicircular canal appears thin. Great.
This doc also ran tests for syphilis and lyme antibodies- both negative, thank heavens.
He sent me for vestibular testing and I was diagnosed with vestibular neuritis/labyrinthitis, and I have to go to see a vestibular physical therapist about once a week to learn exercises to train my brain to not think that I am dizzy/falling all of the time. It is getting a bit better, I think, and my VPT says that I am showing improvement, so that is good. my level of vertigo/headache/stability realy varies day to day, but I do my best, and try to keep up with my exercises at home.

My coughing and ENT weirdness continues, and I remain in debilitating pain, so I get sent for more and more tests. I have been exposed to so much radiation over the past month or two, it is insane. I did have a basic meta done in early October and the results were mostly in range, so that is good. Creatinine SLIGHTLY high, which is to be expected of someone with kidney disease, such as me, but only ever so slight, so actually really good.

I had a full pulmonary function test last week, and it showed that I have mild obstructive ventilatory deficit and mild diffusion defect, which apparently means that I can neither breathe in nor out as much as I should be able to. 

There are many more tests to go over, but I am too tired to type any more right now.
I will try to be better at updating this, but no promises, haha.

Dizzy, my head is spinning- like a whirlpool, it never ends....

...and it really freaking sucks!

Do you know what it is like to be dizzy all of the time? Evenn while you are sitting down or lying down? To filly "twitchy" at very frequent intervals and have no damn clue why, but to be scared out of your mind because you don't know when one of those twitches may send you toppling over onto a third rail, or into a busy intersection or make you drop a sizzling pan, or any such thing?

I do!  I know exactly what that is like, and I have no idea why and it is so scary! I hate it!

I am shaky all of the time. I sometimes seem to the outside world to be fine, but then I will have some sort of coughing attack, occasionally puke from it, and feel like hell. It sucks. It is so scary. I know. I said that. Whatever.

The mystery remains, but still I try...

Here I am again, trying to update this thing. I have been through the wringer so many times over the past several years but just over 2 years ago, I had a fall. A very bad fall. I shattered my left elbow when exiting a cafe. I did not see the step and there was uneven ground/rubble, it was just bad. My elbow was shattered, yes, but I suffered a lot more injuries and nobody looked at them because of the obviousness about the elbow. I had two surgeries on the elbow and now I have a torn rotator cuff and tendinitis in my arm (on the left, at the very least) and am in a lot of pain in many places.

I have also had episodes of random loss of consciousness since September of 2014 (since immediately after the 2nd elbow surgery) and constantly have dizzy spells, headaches, and vertigo. I suffer from chronic coughing and worsened asthmatic type symptoms over the past couple of years too.

I had sinus surgery in March of 2016 and have had a terrible cough, trouble breathing, pain, vertigo, and basically being in debilitating pain/having spins has remained and gotten worse.

I had an MRI with contrast on my head, and do not yet know the results, and am going to have extensive vestibular testing done in the next week. I am a nervous wreck, but still hopeful that I will get some answers and figure out what is going on.

I still suffer from unexplained edema and it is frustrating and painful, but my kidney function has been stable over the past couple of years, thankfully. My A1C spiked slightly after my sinus surgery because I have been fairly homebound due to worsened dizziness, headaches and vertigo symptoms. The headaches have been debilitating. I feel dizzy even while sitting down sometimes, but I am doing all that I can to "get back out there" so to speak, and move around as much as I can, and the A1C has started to come down again (and it is under 8, so that is really good)

I have a lot of trouble getting around via public transit lately because of the dizzy spells.  I have a GoFundMe page that I set up last year when my dear Missy passed away, and it still remains that I need to take my cats to the vet, and I need money for moving, but now I am absolutely desperate for money for transportation and for paying off my bed, which was in fact very much medically necessary for me to get. If I can get it paid off in the next week ($600, to make the $1000 paid in full) then I am done. If not, then I will owe $1600 with the ridiculous interest and such. Its a pretty time sensitive situation. The page is my GoFundMe page and I would appreciate any and all help received!

Thank you. 

Just keep swimming....

I am still distraught about my Missy.

To make matters worse, her ashes, which I was supposed to have within 2-4 weeks, have not been returned to me, and it has been just over 6 weeks now. This is because THEY LOST HER BODY.
I am freaked out. I can't even function.

I just found out I have osteoarthritis in both hands. The surgery I had a year ago today may well have been unnecessary.

I got a couple other really scary diagnosis but I am not ready to go there yet. I just can't.

My psyche is really fragile right now

There's 7 feet of snow outside and I am trapped in my house. It sucks. Nobody gives a shit if I am alive or if I have heat, electricity, or food, water, insulin....

I can't even...

Missy died a week ago.
She was fine. We were playing. Then, she was just.. gone.
My little headbutter, My princess. The mamacat, Gone.

The story is here:

 gofund.me/Missykins

I have had 7 surgeries in the past 12 months, and as of last night, I may be losing my home come May 1st, so now, more than ever, I really need help. I absolutely hate that I need help, but I do.

I also have things on eBay. I'm doing my best. As always, there is a Paypal donation button on the top (or bottom, I don't remember) of the page.