Ball of nerves.

I have not been sleeping very well. I have pretty much not been sleeping at all. The small bits of time when I do sleep, it is frequently interrupted with poor breathing, choking, and worry.

I am having surgery in a matter of days, and I am scared. It is pretty risky. The doctor said she hasn't seen a stone this big before, and that due to the location, there are high chances that I could wind up losing the entire gland, or that the nerve that affects feeling in the tongue could get hit, among other things.

This is a very big deal for me and I am petrified.  It's bad enough that I have to drink drink drink drink all of the time because I am dehydrated every few seconds due to not producing saliva because of these stones, but running high risk of having things that could affect the way I sound, or if I even produce sound at all.... that is what is killing me right now.

I have not opened my mouth to sing since the 22nd of November, and the last thing I "sang" wasn't even really me singing, it was me doing a silly voice that my friend put me up for at a karaoke place I will never go to again.

I haven't really been around friends all that much either. I have had so many appointments.  I had three yesterday alone.  I don't think there was a single day this week that I didn't have at least one appointment, and most days I had more than one, and even when I had one, it was a long one.

My mind is all over the place and I don't really even know what to think.  My house is a mess because when I am here, all I can do is curl up in pain and cry. I had gotten so much cleaning done and now it just looks like hell. Not like anybody ever comes to visit me or anything.

I don't know. I am just rambling I guess.  I went to meet with a bariatric surgeon on Thursday. I don't know if I am going to do it or not. She seemed a bit abrupt with me, for somebody who took me in nearly an hour late, and she shot down my answer for something she asked me, so I just don't know. I'd say we'll see at the next appointment, but she didn't have me make one, and the coordinator didn't call me back, so I guess its more of a "we'll see...whenever...."

Right now, I am just trying to focus on getting out of the pain in my right leg/side/back (sciatic nerve, perhaps, I've been told) and trying to breathe, in general, and to not worry about the 16th...but that is much easier said than done. I am a nervous wreck. I am so damn scared.