Exhausted.

Being homeless is going to suck.
I don't really care about me, since I will be dead soon, anyway, if things go the way I keep getting told they are going to go.
My kitties, though... they don't deserve this shit.
I promised them when I rescued them that they have a "forever home" with me.
I wasn't planning on moving into such toxic places. I wasn't planning on getting so sick.
I wasn't planning on dying before I'm 35.

Do I sound angry? Probably because I am.
Nobody has any damn answers for me. I am a human guinea pig. I am a pin cushion. I have no veins, which makes the pin cushion thing a bitch and a half.
Everyone blames the diabetes.

Excuse me?! I do not for ONE MINUTE claim that I didn't fuck up when I was younger. I did. I also made up for it by finding things that work for me, and losing 155lbs on my own and continuing to lose until all of a sudden, I gained 100lbs in THREE FUCKING DAYS. Then my lungs and my heart and my throat and my eyes and my legs and my arms and my kidneys and my liver and my bones and my blood all went to shit.... but since nobody has any answers, they blame the fucking patient. So yeah, I am mad.

I've been exposed to so much radiation that I probably can't ever have kids, but it's okay, because I probably won't ever have a boyfriend since I am a fat, worthless, blob of nothing and nobody will ever want anything to do with me.

I can't go back to school because [the first college I went to full time] and [Mega Student Loan Monopoly] screwed me over so hard.

I can't keep up with my photography business because I am dirt poor and can't replace my camera, which broke a while ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am still fighting. I can't seem to stop fighting.... and I am eternally grateful to the few wonderful souls who donated via my link in my recent entries... I just wish that I didn't have to fight so much all at once.

Can't I just have medical problems OR batshit crazy landlords, instead of MANY medical problems and SUPERFUCKINGBATSHITCRAZY landlords? I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I did in past lives to deserve this.

It sucks, and yes, I am bitter.
If you ever see The Curious Patient on the street (as in walking around in public- not as in next week when I become homeless) you would probably never guess there was a damn thing wrong with me. You wouldn't guess that I can't actually SEE you when I look at you. You wouldn't think that something as simple as putting socks on causes a LOT of pain. You wouldn't guess that I am bleeding internally in more than one part of my body. You wouldn't guess that I am dying... because I am a fucking ray of fucking golden sunshine. I will go out of my way to make sure that YOU are happy. Seeing others happy takes a little bit of the hurt away.

It still sucks though.

Sick of being sick.

I am having so much trouble moving... physically and in the finding a place to live sense.
Last night, I went to a show with some friends and on the way in, I sprained my right ankle (the one I am in PT for to begin with- and the sprain was diagnosed by my physical therapist today) and about halfway through the show I got so nauseated and dizzy and I felt like something was stabbing me in the lower left side of my stomach. (the stabbing pain also happened Sunday morning while I was at church with some friends)
Today, I ate a small, plain-ish sandwich and felt horrible.
Tonight, I am attempting some chicken and angel hair... and that will be my last meal for a while, as I have to start prepping for Wednesday's colonoscopy, which will be done under full anesthesia.
I am in so much pain.
I don't know what to do.
I have very little time in which I will have a roof over my head too... I am searching every day and getting nowhere. No matter what, it is going to cost money that I don't have. If I wind up on the street, I will die. I can't lose my kitties. I am so scared.
I really can't even express it properly.
I am forever grateful to the people who are trying to help me, in every sense of the word.
Thank you.
If you can help, financially, you can send donations via Paypal to curiouspatient@gmail.com or use the "donate" button in my previous post.

Help needed.

So obviously, I have a lot of health issues.
That has been well-established in this blog.
It is getting worse, and the money situation (I am on Social Security disability and I make less than $9,000 a YEAR) has gotten worse with all of the med changes and other related expenses.

Now, I am being evicted for no good reason.
I am fighting it to keep a roof over my head until I find a new place, and searching for one like crazy, but I need to get out of here, and fast.

My landlords are crazy and abusive in many, many senses of the word. I am not safe here.

I am looking for contributions, because I will likely have to pay either a security deposit and/or a realtor fee (last resort- I am looking to NOT go through a realtor) I can't do it alone.

If you are able to help in any way, I would really appreciate it. I made a paypal button and hope that it works.

You can also just send a "gift" to curiouspatient@gmail.com

I really hate that I am doing this, but I am pretty much having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what else I can do.

Thank you,

A Curious Patient

I guess I never finished that already-long entry a while back...

I probably won't really be able to finish it now either, but let us see...
I had my stomach emptying test and my endoscopy.
I do have gastroparesis and ulcers and some other stuff that they weren't able to see in the endoscopy because we hadn't gotten results on the emptying test yet when I had the endoscopy, and even though I hadn't eaten in about 18 hours, I still had stuff in my stomach. Freaky.

I was doing relatively okay for a while... going to physical therapy for my right foot, going to rehearsals, walking a lot... I was being pretty dang active, actually.

Last Saturday, I woke up so nauseated. I threw up several times and I got really dizzy (thankfully, I was home.. though, alone) and wound up calling someone for a ride to the hospital. I should probably also mention that I have ballooned up about 15lbs in a week, even though I was active and not eating a lot (and eating pretty healthy things, mostly)
I was there from about noon to 11:30pm or so. They gave me IV fluids, 2 litres, I believe, yet they thought nothing of the fact that I didn't desperately have to go to the bathroom. They also didn't acknowledge when I told them that there has been a colour and odor change when I go to the bathroom (urine and feces) which... I don't know if it is important or not, but it freaks me out, for sure.

They did an abdominal ultrasound and they mentioned gallstones, but no need for surgery at the moment. Then they made me drink a contrast, which they said could mess up my kidneys even more, but that they needed it for a CT scan that they MIGHT do... then they did the CT scan and told me I have ileitis and Chron's disease and they gave me prescriptions for heavy antibiotics and sent me home. Thank God I had some friends willing to pick me up, as I was still crazy dizzy and nauseated.

I've been on Cipro and Flagyl since Saturday and nothing really has changed. Well, I haven't been eating, because I've been puking everything up. Until Wednesday, my diet was water, grape juice, and tea. Wednesday, a friend brought Ensure to rehearsal for me, so I have that, and I still have some for if I need more. I did have a turkey burger and a few fries on Thursday, then I had some risotto when I got home. So far, no more puking.

I went to physical therapy today and my PT agreed that I am WAY more swollen and said I need to get checked IMMEDIATELY. I'd spoken to the renal clinic just before, and they told me to come over for paperwork to get blood drawn, so I did that after PT and now I play the waiting game. My stomach is still in a lot of pain. I am getting a lot of leg cramps. My urine output seems less. I am getting headaches and my balance is way off.

I just hope someone can get me some answers and I can get back on the road to feeling better.

Blah.

Diabetes.
Fibromyalgia.
PTSD.
Asthma.
Eye issues.
Sleep apnea.
Neuropathy.
Kidney disease.
Gastroparesis.
Ulcers.
Feet issues.
Mobility issues.

Batshitcrazy landlords who stalk me and turn off the heat and hot water and come in with no notice, while I am not dressed and taunt and ridicule me for being disabled.

Thank God for theatre as an escape.

I can't believe it has been so long.

I don't even know where to begin, really. Besides the recent confirmation that I am, in fact, alive, I guess I haven't really had the strength to write in quite some time.
I often think about it, but I just don't have the energy.
I've been trying to stay positive, but thins just keep piling one right on top of the other, so to speak.
I finally got the cast off at the end of July/beginning of August, and had to wear a surgical shoe for some time after that. Even now, more than 4 full months post-op, I am still in pain. There is still a bump, and I have had no physical therapy. I am having a LOT of trouble with both feet and knees.

I have had countless appointments with so many specialists about so many things. I can't keep up anymore. It is mentally and physically draining, to say the very least. I doubt that I can remember all the things that happened.

I guess we can flash-forward to September. I started throwing up and thought it was audition nerves gone crazy. The next day, I started peeing a lot, even for me. I got massive pain in my lower left quadrant, which radiated to the back, and sometimes into my chest. I thought perhaps it was a really bad UTI and went to get checked out. After being given the royal run-around, plus blood work and an x-ray, I was sent on my merry way, only to be called a couple of hours later to be told "there is something wrong and you need to come back to the hospital- you can't wait through the weekend" I was on my way into a concert at the time, and I stayed for said concert and then went to the hospital, where they admitted me. They did a CT scan and not a whole heck of a lot more, but kept me for 4 days. Then they came in and said "Well, we can't figure out what is wrong, so it must be in your head because you have fibromyalgia. Follow up with your PCP." The next day, I thought I was going to see my PCP, and wound up seeing the nurse practitioner who had sent me home and called me back several days earlier. She said "Maybe it is GYN-related, but since your GYN is at another hospital, you should go there" so I called over there and was told to come on in.
When I got to hospital number 2, and the GYN went to examine me, we found 2 things: 1) I was apparently bleeding, although I wasn't supposed to be, so he couldn't do a full exam and 2) I had a painful mass on my left breast.

Great.

So he sent me for an emergency mammogram and transvaginal ultrasound. I was petrified for the mammogram. I went for one before due to something a doctor thought suspicious, and when I got to the office, I was told "you're too young" and refused the test. Now I was back and scared. The one somewhat calming thing about it was that the woman doing the test told me that the fact that it hurt was actually a GOOD sign. She was, thankfully, correct in my case. Cancer was ruled out immediately. Bullet dodged.

Then came the ultrasound. I went in for that via the ER, as instructed. When it was done, I was sent back to the ER, and I was admitted from there. I was told that the us looked clear, but they needed to run more tests. I was forced to take Colace twice a day, and Miralax, and then they made me drink sparkling laxitive... mind, I hadn't eaten in days and was on a clear liquid diet in the hospital. After 4 more days, they decided that they also didn't know what was going on and they sent me home- though they put me on iron supplements upon finding out that I am anemic. I should mention that during my 8 days inpatient between 2 hospitals, everyone said that MY KIDNEYS ARE FINE.

The day after I was discharged, I went to my previously-scheduled appointment with my diabetes doctor. Over a week in the hospital and seen by about 6 doctors who can't figure a damn thing out, and this woman, in ten minutes, says "I wonder if you might have gastroparesis" and orders a test. I went in for the test, and it turns out I do have a bit of a wonky tummy. I am going to meet with a nutritionist/dietitian to see if we can figure out things to eat/not eat to make the symptoms lessen.

The day after I saw the endocrinologist, I saw the nephrologist, who mentioned that I have STAGE 3 KIDNEY DISEASE. Stage 3. What.The.Frik.? I was told over the previous 8 days that my kidneys were fine and then all of a sudden I am 2 stages away from death?! Something is not right here. Something is NOT right. I cried. I still don't know what to think. At all.

Flash forward again to the very beginning of October: I was enjoying a festival that I have been enjoying every year for the past several, when all of a sudden, my sugar skyrocketed and I vomited blood. I was taken from the festival to the hospital by ambulance, and once again, they admitted me, though much against my will. I protested quite a lot. They said they were going to do an endoscopy, but then they said they were basically going to keep me in the hospital for 3 days, not letting me eat or drink anything and THEN do the endoscopy. I told them I would be happy to come BACK for the test, but that keeping me for that long in this case would do much more harm than good. I set up the appointment and I left and went back for the tail-end of the festival.

I think I am about to pass out over my keyboard, so I will pick up where I am leaving off as soon as I can.

I am alive.

I am alive.
Perhaps just barely, but I am alive.
I have so much to update on.
So much crazy stuff has gone on.
I will try to update soon.