I should probably update this thing...

I'm alive. I often wish that I had just died in July.
I go through random bouts of hysterical crying and I can't explain why.
I also go through bouts of quiet crying. Again, can't explain why.
I feel like nobody REALLY wants t9o know what happened and what I am going through.
I just wish it would all stop.
I miss something that I can never get back.
It hurts so much.

I guess it has been a while again.

I'm here. I am okayish.
There has been a lot happening over the past few months and it really has me drained both physically and emotionally.
I have suffered from various sorts of losses, and I have been in a lot of pain.
I had minor surgery on my left great toe twice in a matter of 4 days, and i still have to re-dress the wound daily.
My A1C has dropped to 6.4, but I was having chronic lows, so we changed the numbers, and now I am having chronic highs, so I am going to do a basal evaluation and we will likely change the numbers again.
I am hoping to do the basal evaluation tonight.
I should go for now.

Oh, hi...

I'm still alove.
Things have been rough, but there has been good stuff too.
I have been on an insulin pump for about a month and a half or so, and my A1C had gone from 10.9 to 8.1 or something like that.
Not too shabby.
I've been tired and run down and not eating well (not eating much at all, due to lack of money) but I am doing the best that I can.
I have been walking a LOT lately, so that is good.
Anyway, just wanted to to check in. I will try to add more substance later.

SO sick of being sick.

So the previously mentioned pneumonia never really fully went away.
I am still suffering now, but definitely more mobile... probably TOO mobile right now... I think I walked at LEAST 40 miles this week, and still had a boatload of doctor appointments.

So the other night, I went to cook something in the oven for the first time since I moved in. I set it to preheat, (empty) and less than 10 minutes later, the alarm was going off. There didn't seem to be much/any smoke, but there was a definite smell, so I don't know if it was the smoke or the carbon monoxide detector.. i hope there IS a carbon monoxide detector... I went to open the windows to find that they are apparently painted shut (the kitchen ones) I went to open the middle room ones and the top of one fell down when I unlocked it and the other one seems to be the only one in the house that opens, but like ALL of them, there is some kind of fixture on it that makes it only open about 4 inches. This means that, in the event of a fire, unless I physically BREAK a window, I have ONE exit and one exit only- through the kitchen door.

Tonight, I noticed that the middle yard-facing window in my bedroom was cracked, and since it got cold again, I went to close it, and the top fell down. I can't reach high enough to get it to close all the way, and the lock seems to be busted.
I thought I was freezing all this time because of pneumonia. It may well be that I got and kept the pneumonia because the freaking windows have been open since before I moved in and I didn't know it because I was (am) so sick.
I had the thermostat turned all the way down for the past few days, but since it got cold again, I turned it on, and now the house smells.
The hose in the kitchen sink does not come out of its holster thingy, and also fills up when I try to do dishes (this happened the first time I ever turned the faucet on, so its not like I had something stuck in there)

The shower doesn't even get all that hot. It gets warm enough to not freeze- that's about it.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to come across as rude and/or accusatory to the landlady, but I also need to be safe.

In other news, I saw the kidney doc the other day and he said that my kidney function is stable. Not better, but not worse. I'll take what I can get. He also says that he doesn't believe the scale that says I have gained weight. He says I am definitely smaller and he can tell I have been exercising.

I am going in on Monday to meet with a rep about insulin pumps and to be put on a saline pump to see if I can handle it before making my decision about it. My insurance does not and will not cover the tube-less pump, as it is not considered a "sustainable device" and I am really nervous about having a tube hanging out of me, because, not for nothing, but I am a superklutz. We shall see, I guess. I don't really know what to think yet.

My stomach still hates me. I still haven't been eating much. I did have a gastric emptying exam this week so I need to get in touch with whomever is reviewing that so maybe I can get some less-vague answers this time.

Oh, and I was thrown (physicall) out of a cab last weekend and I knew I was hurt, but thought it was mostly from being scared and a little bruised. I was wrong. Something is seriously up with my back and I need to get it checked out.

My other chief concern of the moment is my voice. I fear I am losing it. I lost my voice for 7 years before. I can't do that again. I just can't. I need to sing. I have to. I need to be able to sing relatively WELL too. Something is happening to it and I don't even have the first clue on what kind of doctor I would need to see to address this situation, or if my insurance would cover such a doctor.

It is 5:25am and I have been up since 8am, and only got two hours of sleep before that. I should probably go try to pass out now.

Catching up, briefly.

I found a new place.
It isn't perfect, but I am here.
2 weeks later (today) I find out that the tumor is back on my foot, and at least twice as big.
Annnnd I just committed to being in a show.
Yeah, I am turning down surgery to be a meaningless chorus girl.
Okay, so there are way more reasons, but that is the least offensive.
I don't know.
I am cold.
I am getting over pneumonia, so I really don't know if there is something wrong with the heat or if it is just me.
I'm so tired.
Enough for now.

Blah

Still not feeling well.
Doing the best that I can to keep my head up, so to speak.
I am just so sick of being sick.
Big surprise that the company that is supposed to be swapping out my (non-usable) CPAP machine is, yet again, not doing a damn thing, so I wake up coughing, and I wake up with fluid in my lungs.
The whole thing makes no sense.

Exhausted.

Being homeless is going to suck.
I don't really care about me, since I will be dead soon, anyway, if things go the way I keep getting told they are going to go.
My kitties, though... they don't deserve this shit.
I promised them when I rescued them that they have a "forever home" with me.
I wasn't planning on moving into such toxic places. I wasn't planning on getting so sick.
I wasn't planning on dying before I'm 35.

Do I sound angry? Probably because I am.
Nobody has any damn answers for me. I am a human guinea pig. I am a pin cushion. I have no veins, which makes the pin cushion thing a bitch and a half.
Everyone blames the diabetes.

Excuse me?! I do not for ONE MINUTE claim that I didn't fuck up when I was younger. I did. I also made up for it by finding things that work for me, and losing 155lbs on my own and continuing to lose until all of a sudden, I gained 100lbs in THREE FUCKING DAYS. Then my lungs and my heart and my throat and my eyes and my legs and my arms and my kidneys and my liver and my bones and my blood all went to shit.... but since nobody has any answers, they blame the fucking patient. So yeah, I am mad.

I've been exposed to so much radiation that I probably can't ever have kids, but it's okay, because I probably won't ever have a boyfriend since I am a fat, worthless, blob of nothing and nobody will ever want anything to do with me.

I can't go back to school because [the first college I went to full time] and [Mega Student Loan Monopoly] screwed me over so hard.

I can't keep up with my photography business because I am dirt poor and can't replace my camera, which broke a while ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am still fighting. I can't seem to stop fighting.... and I am eternally grateful to the few wonderful souls who donated via my link in my recent entries... I just wish that I didn't have to fight so much all at once.

Can't I just have medical problems OR batshit crazy landlords, instead of MANY medical problems and SUPERFUCKINGBATSHITCRAZY landlords? I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I did in past lives to deserve this.

It sucks, and yes, I am bitter.
If you ever see The Curious Patient on the street (as in walking around in public- not as in next week when I become homeless) you would probably never guess there was a damn thing wrong with me. You wouldn't guess that I can't actually SEE you when I look at you. You wouldn't think that something as simple as putting socks on causes a LOT of pain. You wouldn't guess that I am bleeding internally in more than one part of my body. You wouldn't guess that I am dying... because I am a fucking ray of fucking golden sunshine. I will go out of my way to make sure that YOU are happy. Seeing others happy takes a little bit of the hurt away.

It still sucks though.