SO sick of being sick.

So the previously mentioned pneumonia never really fully went away.
I am still suffering now, but definitely more mobile... probably TOO mobile right now... I think I walked at LEAST 40 miles this week, and still had a boatload of doctor appointments.

So the other night, I went to cook something in the oven for the first time since I moved in. I set it to preheat, (empty) and less than 10 minutes later, the alarm was going off. There didn't seem to be much/any smoke, but there was a definite smell, so I don't know if it was the smoke or the carbon monoxide detector.. i hope there IS a carbon monoxide detector... I went to open the windows to find that they are apparently painted shut (the kitchen ones) I went to open the middle room ones and the top of one fell down when I unlocked it and the other one seems to be the only one in the house that opens, but like ALL of them, there is some kind of fixture on it that makes it only open about 4 inches. This means that, in the event of a fire, unless I physically BREAK a window, I have ONE exit and one exit only- through the kitchen door.

Tonight, I noticed that the middle yard-facing window in my bedroom was cracked, and since it got cold again, I went to close it, and the top fell down. I can't reach high enough to get it to close all the way, and the lock seems to be busted.
I thought I was freezing all this time because of pneumonia. It may well be that I got and kept the pneumonia because the freaking windows have been open since before I moved in and I didn't know it because I was (am) so sick.
I had the thermostat turned all the way down for the past few days, but since it got cold again, I turned it on, and now the house smells.
The hose in the kitchen sink does not come out of its holster thingy, and also fills up when I try to do dishes (this happened the first time I ever turned the faucet on, so its not like I had something stuck in there)

The shower doesn't even get all that hot. It gets warm enough to not freeze- that's about it.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to come across as rude and/or accusatory to the landlady, but I also need to be safe.

In other news, I saw the kidney doc the other day and he said that my kidney function is stable. Not better, but not worse. I'll take what I can get. He also says that he doesn't believe the scale that says I have gained weight. He says I am definitely smaller and he can tell I have been exercising.

I am going in on Monday to meet with a rep about insulin pumps and to be put on a saline pump to see if I can handle it before making my decision about it. My insurance does not and will not cover the tube-less pump, as it is not considered a "sustainable device" and I am really nervous about having a tube hanging out of me, because, not for nothing, but I am a superklutz. We shall see, I guess. I don't really know what to think yet.

My stomach still hates me. I still haven't been eating much. I did have a gastric emptying exam this week so I need to get in touch with whomever is reviewing that so maybe I can get some less-vague answers this time.

Oh, and I was thrown (physicall) out of a cab last weekend and I knew I was hurt, but thought it was mostly from being scared and a little bruised. I was wrong. Something is seriously up with my back and I need to get it checked out.

My other chief concern of the moment is my voice. I fear I am losing it. I lost my voice for 7 years before. I can't do that again. I just can't. I need to sing. I have to. I need to be able to sing relatively WELL too. Something is happening to it and I don't even have the first clue on what kind of doctor I would need to see to address this situation, or if my insurance would cover such a doctor.

It is 5:25am and I have been up since 8am, and only got two hours of sleep before that. I should probably go try to pass out now.

Here we go again...

On Monday night, I wound up going to the ER.
I was out of Lasix and didn't know it, but I was swollen like crazy BEFORE it was time to take the medicine. I swelled up about 10lbs over night.
The skin on my feet, calves and whatnot up to my knees.
My thighs won't even go together properly, and I can FEEL the water with my hands.
It is so painful.
A small rash type thing developed in my right ear and on the back of my neck when the swelling happened.
I was put next to a doctor who was doing dictations and I had a panic attack/PTSD episode because he was dictating some very graphic abuse.
They gave me an Ativan and IV Lasix and pretty much kicked me out the door.
The discharge sheet says that I swelled up because of my missed dose, even though I told them MANY times that I was swollen BEFORE missing my dose.
I am STILL swollen, even though I have had my Lasix as I normally do now.

I have an appointment with a sleep neurologist tomorrow, to follow-up about the CPAP machine, and an appointment with the diabetes nurse on Friday.
I also have a fibro-study visit on Tuesday and an appointment with my PCP on Wednesday. Here's hoping that I get some relief!

I am so swollen. My knees won't bend very much and it hurts so much.
I need a diagnostician. Immediately. I need to know what is going on.

I don't know what to make of anything, really.

I am in so much pain.
I am still swollen.
I have exercised so much, and I am still heavy and huge because THIS. ISN'T. FAT.
Can you imagine being treated like some lazy fat bum everywhere you go?
That is my life.
I look like hell and everyone assumes it is my fault.
The doctors, they all tell me I am sick, but they don't know why, so they all default to asking me if I eat a lot of salt and drink a lot of soda.
a) The answer is NO to both questions
b) Even if I did, NOBODY could eat enough to gain 30lbs in ONE DAY and 70 more within the week. It just. doesn't. happen.
I have actually been nearly 100% soda-free for about 3 months. I have had a small amount here and there, but I have been drinking mostly water and juice.
I don't eat much at all.
I walk a LOT.
I have spent the past 2 weekends pretending that I am not sick. I participated in a few local goings-on, all of which involved a HUGE amount of exercise.
I haven't lost an ounce.
Now, I am paying dearly for the "fun" I had. I can feel every muscle in my body right now and they are all VERY angry at me. I have had about 5 hours of sleep in the past 3 days.
My breathing is not that good and I have been getting massive heartburn at night, even when I don't eat anything. I am wondering if there is any way it could be related to the CPAP machine, what with it blowing air into my lungs, maybe just irritating them? I don't know... all the respiratory company cares about is their money, so they won't talk things out with me.

I was supposed to see a dietitian today, but I was in so much pain, I canceled because I couldn't handle the commute on public transit, and I also was in no mood to get talked down to about my weight, when all the damn weight is FLUID that they won't tell me how to get rid of.

I am scheduled to meet with one of the sleep doctors in early November, I think.

I am so exhausted. I am tired of fighting. I tell people I do these things I shouldn't be doing because I can't let the illness get me down and I have to live my life. It is partially true, and partially that I am a better actor than anyone gives me credit for. The truth is that I am falling apart and I struggle to stay alive every day. The truth is that I am scared. The truth is that most of the people who call themselves my friends have not been there for me. The truth is that I don't have nearly as much energy as I sometimes appear to have. The truth is that every time I take a step, or a breath, or I move my hands or feet, or anything else, I am in a world of pain. The truth is that I feel like I am suffering a fate worse than death, because being dead can't possibly be this painful... I just wish that the trip I seem to be taking to get to the other side wasn't so damn long and painful.