Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Being homeless is going to suck.
I don't really care about me, since I will be dead soon, anyway, if things go the way I keep getting told they are going to go.
My kitties, though... they don't deserve this shit.
I promised them when I rescued them that they have a "forever home" with me.
I wasn't planning on moving into such toxic places. I wasn't planning on getting so sick.
I wasn't planning on dying before I'm 35.

Do I sound angry? Probably because I am.
Nobody has any damn answers for me. I am a human guinea pig. I am a pin cushion. I have no veins, which makes the pin cushion thing a bitch and a half.
Everyone blames the diabetes.

Excuse me?! I do not for ONE MINUTE claim that I didn't fuck up when I was younger. I did. I also made up for it by finding things that work for me, and losing 155lbs on my own and continuing to lose until all of a sudden, I gained 100lbs in THREE FUCKING DAYS. Then my lungs and my heart and my throat and my eyes and my legs and my arms and my kidneys and my liver and my bones and my blood all went to shit.... but since nobody has any answers, they blame the fucking patient. So yeah, I am mad.

I've been exposed to so much radiation that I probably can't ever have kids, but it's okay, because I probably won't ever have a boyfriend since I am a fat, worthless, blob of nothing and nobody will ever want anything to do with me.

I can't go back to school because [the first college I went to full time] and [Mega Student Loan Monopoly] screwed me over so hard.

I can't keep up with my photography business because I am dirt poor and can't replace my camera, which broke a while ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am still fighting. I can't seem to stop fighting.... and I am eternally grateful to the few wonderful souls who donated via my link in my recent entries... I just wish that I didn't have to fight so much all at once.

Can't I just have medical problems OR batshit crazy landlords, instead of MANY medical problems and SUPERFUCKINGBATSHITCRAZY landlords? I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I did in past lives to deserve this.

It sucks, and yes, I am bitter.
If you ever see The Curious Patient on the street (as in walking around in public- not as in next week when I become homeless) you would probably never guess there was a damn thing wrong with me. You wouldn't guess that I can't actually SEE you when I look at you. You wouldn't think that something as simple as putting socks on causes a LOT of pain. You wouldn't guess that I am bleeding internally in more than one part of my body. You wouldn't guess that I am dying... because I am a fucking ray of fucking golden sunshine. I will go out of my way to make sure that YOU are happy. Seeing others happy takes a little bit of the hurt away.

It still sucks though.

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